My Husband DOES Have a Disability Even if He's NOT "Disabled:" Understanding Autism

Autism. It's the scary, dark shadow hiding behind the corner waiting to jump out and snatch your children from you. It comes in the night and there's no stopping it. After that, nothing is ever the same and you have to change everything.

OR

Autism. It's not even a real thing. We're ALL on the autism scale, so whatever. It's not a disability. He's too "high functioning." They're "normal."

I just want to start off by saying NO to both of these extremes. The one is paranoia and the other is denial, and neither is very helpful. It can be hard to know what to say about autism. I hardly knew what to say or do before I realized how deeply it was affecting my family and my life. So, in my short, but rich experience of living with three, maybe four or five beloved family members with Autism for maybe my whole life, here's what I've learned:

First off, I'm totally going to do the dictionary thing so we can have a healthy framework to work off of:

Autism: 

1. Psychiatry. a pervasive developmental disorder of children, characterized by impaired communication, excessive rigidity, and emotional detachment: now considered one of the autism spectrum disorders. (click the link to read about more about how it's a spectrum, which does NOT invalidate the reality of any one clinically autistic person's experience and disability at all).

 

2. A tendency to view life in terms of one's own needs and desires.

 

VS.

 

Sociopath:

 

1. a person with a psychopathic personality whose behavior is antisocial, often criminal, and who lacks a sense of moral responsibility or social conscience.

 

VS.

 

Disability: 

 

2. a physical or mental handicap, especially one that prevents a person from living a full, normal life or from holding a gainful job. (Even milder forms of Autism are in fact an Access One Disability because without intervention it DOES prevent them from developing normally and living a full, normal life. If they begin to get help before the age of 25 and especially before the age of 8, they often do remarkably well).

 

Dictionary.com

 

It can get confusing if an Autistic person develops an addiction early in life in order to deal with their disconnection from people (Research how disconnection is what fuels addiction and that's why 12 step helps so much). And then slowly, but often unintentionally stumbles into potential criminal behavior (they rarely, if ever, have actual victims. And when they do, they are almost always willing to make complete reparation and change). But I will tell you this: they have the strongest sense of moral responsibility that I have ever seen, refusing to excuse wrong behavior, and often criticizing what they hate about themselves when they see it in others. They can often develop a deep sense of insecurity and self loathing because they can sense all the ways in which they fall short and they hate it.

It IS a Clinical Disability, but it often does NOT have to be Disabling WITH Intervention: When I started telling people that my husband and probably my little girl (since it's very clearly genetic in my husband's family and maybe even in mine to some degree) were autistic, I was met with either the two above responses and more primarily the second. The first is the paranoia that often leads to the denial. I, myself, felt the same way before I realized that the person I love most in this world, my partner, my best friend, is in fact Autistic. Then, everything changed. Suddenly, we started reading and getting him proper therapy and understanding. I was no longer afraid of my children being Autistic because his Autism is actually a huge part of who he is and sometimes exactly what I love about him. No, I do not love him IN SPITE of his Autism. Although, sometimes I do. Sometimes, I also love him FOR it.

What is it like, being married to an Autistic person? It's actually pretty awesome a lot of the time. He's brilliant and loyal and sweet with this different sense of humor and take on the world that I just adore. He treats me like a princess most of the time, as he does with our daughter. He's committed and works harder and more effectively than most people. But sometimes, he can be very disconnected and I will feel lonely. When I talk to him about it, he'll try to understand or offer the same "too perfect" sounding apology and I know he'll probably still do it again. I'll often feel like he thinks he knows more than I do and that he'll never completely and totally approve of or understand what I do. For example, I love essential oils and they are enriching my life, but they were on his black list, and they will probably always be on his black list. It is either black or white and they feel a need to be harshly honest with you about their perspective, which is often different than most. But that's ok, because it teaches you to develop your own self-confidence. When you challenge them about doing something unhealthy and especially not understanding how you feel, they will often say "Well, I didn't know" and it's logically true even if it hurts. When I gently tell Matt that I wish he would notice when Aria, our daughter, needs help and just help, he will often say, "Ok. But you didn't ask." And you WILL have to remind them frequently, but then they'll absolutely do it. When you are sick or needing something, you must communicate it regularly and clearly, because otherwise they will NOT intuitively recognize what you need. They can talk non-stop about their interests without a very active audience, which is either comforting or extremely annoying because you can't get a word in edgewise and if you do, they probably won't hear it or they'll interrupt you (My mother-in-law suggests taking up knitting). They will very happily give you what you need with the utmost dedication once they understand, but you must communicate it to them. They actually feel and love more deeply than anyone I've ever known. They just don't know how to handle those emotions. A lot of people who marry Autistic people or become good friends with them are familiar with victim mentality or were abused as children, so Autistic people feel safe. They feel like home. Being married to someone with Autism is feeling some days like you ARE just going to pack up and leave if God doesn't give you a reason to stay, but He almost always does. The best story I ever heard was when Matt's mother, married to his Autistic father, realized a year in she couldn't live like this, so she packed everything up and her little baby Matt in the car and then realized there was absolutely no gas and no money to buy any so she didn't. I've been taken aback by how brilliantly Matt is responding to specific Autism therapy. He was taken to a store by his therapist and told to ask someone for help because Autistic people always struggle asking for help. And he did, and then he took me to another store and asked for help from three different people just to practice it.

Being a child of an Autistic parent is significantly harder. Because they will often see bits of the Autism in their own children and panic and try to beat or control or force it out of them somehow. They know it's hurt them and they know it's hard. If they've become overly controlling and aggressive as a compensation technique, they will often handle the rearing of delicate Autistic children all wrong and the cycle continues.

Autism is tricky that way, because what it is, is technically a "brain defect" but it's more like "brain difference." Remember how they used to draw a line between people with "Asperger's" or "milder autism" and severe autism? They don't really anymore because it's the exact same kind of brain damage that makes a more severely Autistic person seize, twitch, scream, be unable to handle normal stimuli, interaction, or difference in routine, etc. In all reality, most of them are perfectly intelligent in there, but trapped in damaged bodies that are betraying them. Can you even imagine that? People with milder forms of Autism have the same type of brain damage affecting the control, emotional, and social areas of their brain (a lot like an addiction does), but because it's not as severe, their brain learns to adapt and hide it better. They're still trapped in damaged bodies, but because the human brain is housing an eternal spirit and Child of God it will learn and start to work around its limitations over time and often with outside help.

So, basically, people with Autism do have social and emotional limitations that they need help to overcome if they're going to hold a stable job, stay out of massive debt, have healthy friendships, and family relationships and grow. They will never be "normal" unless they get very early intervention and even then not quite, and that's actually perfectly ok. They just need help to function within healthy parameters. Most of them sincerely want what's healthy because they're intelligent enough to know, but without some of those key, more right brain functions of social and emotional desires they are often left floundering. Often, in their teenage years, Autistic individuals will get very depressed or aggressive or addicted or all three because they're intelligent enough to know there's something wrong, but not able to understand what it is.

We've been told by a doctor that if you times an Autistic person's age by .66 you may get an approximation of their social and emotional age. Meaning, when my husband was arrested, he was approximately 15 and a half socially and emotionally. He's always tried to "make up" for the social and emotional gaps with an incredibly high IQ, and has often "seemed" successful, but raw intelligence does NOT a socially or emotionally well adjusted person make. Still, people have often made the mistake of assuming he knows exactly what he's doing when he does wrong or that he's a sociopath. 

He is NEITHER a sociopath OR a socially and emotionally mature individual without proper therapy. I have mountains of personal evidence for both of these assumptions, but it would take too long to describe them all. So, I will give just two clear examples:

1. I actually married Matt because I knew without a doubt that he would NEVER maliciously abuse or take advantage of me and our children. He always let me be in control, and was in his heart and the majority of his actions incredibly loyal. So, I felt safe and that was what mattered most to me in a relationship. Unfortunately, he did not know how to have difficult conversations, so he would end up lying to me to cover up an addiction, which he had needed to do in his strict family and the Church to have any friends or relationships whatsoever. He has never once tried to force, guilt, or manipulate me into something and I know he never will.

2. Why will he never do this? Because he knows exactly what it's like to be the victim. More often than not, Autistic people get taken advantage of in their relationships - business, personal, etc. They don't know how to effectively manipulate others so they are often the ones that get manipulated and hurt. Assault. Fraud. Divorce. Arrest. Bullying. Addictions. Abuse. You name it, it happens TO them more often than almost anyone else because they often can NOT read key emotional and social cues, no matter how genius they are. Unfortunately, some Autistic people do try to over compensate for this hurtful problem by getting aggressive, controlling, and paranoid but the key is they are largely ineffective at it and often just throw tantrums when they don't get their way or can't communicate it clearly. Instead of aggression, paranoia, and control, Matt fell into the severely depressed, abused, and addicted category. As a child who had known emotional and verbal abuse and manipulation by a potentially more Autistic than not, but well-meaning and committed parent, it felt both familiar and safe all at once. It was home. (Emotionally, I am very aware and empathetic, but socially I myself had always been stunted or introverted. So, I feel as if I have one small foot in the world of Autism and one out).

BUT, Autistic people really do learn and change, maybe better than anyone else I know. When they're committed to a path, they are utterly committed. Nothing can sway them. They'll work hard and they often respond beautifully to therapy. If the whole world could respond as beautifully to therapy and light as young Autistic people often do, this world would be a much happier place.

So, for those of you who have fallen into the first category: of fearing Autism and Autistic people. Sensing that there's something wrong and seeing them as an easy target or willful sociopaths, please read and educate yourselves by actually loving and knowing them. You are doing a great disservice to all of mankind by tossing these valuable people and their brilliance aside after you're finished with them. They have SO much to offer: fresh insights, new perspective, a loyal and forever love to those they trust, and talents that surpass the ordinary.

For those of you who fall into the second category of brushing Autism off and misusing the term "high functioning," please also read and educate yourselves. High functioning only means their brains have gotten better at hiding it for survival purposes - it does NOT mean they are actually living anywhere close to their potential and they do need real help. They're suffering in isolation, even if you can't see it because they're too afraid to show it. Maybe you know or love someone who you suspect is Autistic, but you're too afraid to think about what that might mean. Just think and read about it and it might actually shed a whole lot of light on your life.

This is my plea for a society with a LOT more Autistic people than we may have realized in need of love, understanding, and therapy and NOT abuse, addictions, arrest, divorce, isolation, and bullying. Autism is NOT an excuse for abusive or criminal behavior, but it IS a reason beyond the narrow view of "sociopath." Really, they're just very intelligent and innocent children trapped in adult bodies trying to make sense of this world. They are some of "the least of these" and before anyone takes offense to that, allow me to illustrate how Christ spoke of children:

"And if children, then heirs; heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ; if so be that we suffer with him, that we may be also glorified together." - Romans 8:17

"But Jesus called them unto him, and said, Suffer little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God." - Luke 18:16

"Verily I say unto you, Whosoever shall not receive the kingdom of God as a little child shall in no wise enter therein." - Luke 18:17

"And whosoever shall offend one of these little ones that believe in me, it is better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and he were cast into the sea." - Mark 9:42  

 

They need us and we need them. They are some of the elect.

How to Decorate while Renting and on a Budget - Aria's Princess Room

I have always wanted to give my little girl a "princess room" but have always felt held back by budgeting and renting. I couldn't paint or hang professional art or purchase new furniture without breaking both contract and budget, so I found loopholes that let me create the perfect space anyway. I am extremely pleased with how it turned out and am over the moon excited to share it with all of you. Scroll to the bottom or check out my Instagram feed @rach.dorian for sources for everything I used.

1. Hang Prints, Pictures, and Banners instead of Painting: Yes, painting is incredibly fun because it can totally revolutionize a space, but it is NOT necessary. You can still give the room plenty of color and personality with well chosen prints, pictures in frames, and banners. In fact, the decor you choose can often be even more exciting in color and presence if it doesn't have to compete with bright paint on the walls. If you still want to paint but get the effect of stand out, bold decor, try a more neutral color such as off white, beige, or grey. I love the way the neutral wall color allowed me to add so much of my own color, bringing the room to life. These whimsical frames and banners are a focal point for the room and tie in the entire color scheme: Coral, Peach, Pink, Aqua, and Mint with Gold accents.

2. Use What You Have & Find Cheaper Altnernatives: The inability to buy new furniture was one of my biggest hang ups when it came redecorating. You do NOT need to drop thousands of dollars on furniture to remake a space. You can always find used, hand-me-down and even free furniture that you can remodel to fit your needs. For example:

• New End Tables ($100-$300) Instead, I draped a tablecloth over the cheap, metallic one from IKEA that we already had and borrowed one from my mother-in-law that she didn't have room for. ($20 tablecloth)
• New Toddler Bed ($50-$200) Instead, we transitioned her crib to one by removing the front ($0). 
• Changing Table ($50-$200), Instead, I use a bassinet that was kindly given to us and remade a three drawer organizer with wrapping paper ($5).
• Window Curtains ($150-$200), Instead, I used decorative banners that I had from Aria's birthday photo shoot ($50-$80). 
• Window Seat/Storage Bench ($200-$300), Instead, I found a much cheaper and perfectly functional one on Amazon for only ($40). 
• New Rocking Chair ($200-$500), Instead, I got a super size Minky blanket to drape over the perfectly functional but unattractive one we already had ($120).
• Professional Art ($500-$1000), Instead, I used framed prints and pictures and banners that add a whimsical happiness and individualized personality that high quality professional art may have taken away from. I did not actually save by going this route since I used so many frames, prints, and banners, but I could have, had I been willing to do less. 
• New Dresser ($500-$1500), Instead, We sanded and painted a cheap IKEA hand-me-down dresser from my husband's family that fits the space and color scheme better than any purchased piece could ($100).
• Large Rug ($200-$1000), Instead, I found a smaller 3 by 5 foot rug on sale for only ($65).

3. Prioritize What is Worth Spending on: This is probably the hardest part of any project because of course I would love to spend and get the best for all of it. What I often had to ask myself was this: "Will it compromise my vision and the atmosphere I'm creating if I skimp on this or not?" Here are some of the things that I thought were totally worth spending on to preserve the integrity of the room:

• Bedding. The bed and the decor above it is a focal point. In every room, it is important to have a focal point that immediately draws the eye upon entering and sets the tone for the rest of the room. I wanted a very specific, gradient crib skirt and color scheme in this area because of how it would affect the entire room, so a cheaper alternative was just not an option here. 
• Above the Bed Frames. These whimsical frames were worth the extra cost for me because they create the focal point. They were made to order and so fully customizable with the colors and design I wanted. I knew that frames in general are expensive so I thought it was worth it.
• Window Decor. Windows naturally draw the eye and usually become a secondary focal point, so to leave them bare is distracting and unattractive. I spent a significant amount on the banners and the Starburst dreamcatcher because they were made to order and the perfect style and colors to create a princess window. I also knew they could be used as decor for special events as well.
• Lighting. I knew that I did not really need a lamp, so I bought it last. I got it on sale from Amazon, and I knew it would be worth it to add ambient lighting to set the tone for bedtime and book reading. Ambient lighting from lamps is almost always more attractive than an overhead lighting and so worth it to set that mood.

4. Wishlist and Wait for Sales: This is where planning ahead of time can really come in handy. If there is something you need that is way outside of your budget, add it to a list, save, and wait and watch for sales. It can take a lot longer, but it will be worth all that you could save. I waited to buy the bedding, one of the biggest expenses, until it was as on sale as I had ever seen it. Every time I look at it, I know it was worth the wait.

 5. Amazon, Walmart, IKEA, Hobby Lobby, and Target are your Friends: These are the best places to find the cheapest alternatives of what you want. I purchased from plenty of smaller shops, mostly on Etsy, to get what I was willing to spend on and wanted unique. But these places saved me the most money.

• Amazon: Jellycat stuffed lamb and pig, Window seat/storage bench, Rocking chair, Lamp, Sound machine, White and Gold frames for prints, Peach trash can.
• Walmart: Gold glitter tape, Diaper pail, 3 drawer organizer, Crib that transitions to toddler and full size bed, Large pillow insert.
• IKEA: End table, Pink rose, Dresser.
• Hobby Lobby: Fake flowers & Gold dresser decor (modern elephant, giraffe, and arrowhead).
• Target: Coral tablecloth, Gold side pillows, and Mint wrapping paper.

Bright, Elegant, Inspiring was the theme for Aria's room and the type of lady I hope she grows into. I also wanted the room to reflect her bright and fiery personality as it encourages her to grow into all she can be by inviting the Spirit. I couldn't have accomplished it without my sweet husband beside me. He sanded and painted the dresser with me, even replacing the drawer handles. He patiently and precisely assembled, measured, and hung all of the prints and pictures the way I envisioned and sketched out for him. It took many hours and months of preparation for it to come together. But I think the most rewarding part of it was watching Matt's and Aria's reactions. Matt had been skeptical about the money and the planning of it, but once it came together he said "Wow, you were right. This just works." Aria ran through it excitedly, grabbed all her new animals, and snuggled down happily on the toddler bed. I'm so glad I could give her a space that she will grow into for many years to come.

 Sources:

Love is Always the Answer print: CraftMei on Etsy

I am the Daughter of a King print: CraftMei

I Can Do Hard Things print: CraftMei

I am a Child of God print: CraftMei

Our Little Princess print: CraftMei

What if I Fall? print: CraftMei

Gold & Peach/Pink Love print: CraftMei

She Believed She Could So She Did print: CraftMei

Have Courage and Be Kind print: CraftMei

Blooms and Glitter Name (ARIA) Banner: LittleDovie on Etsy

Blooms and Tassel Garland (over window): LittleDovie

Golden Scalloped Garland (over window): LittleDovie

Woolie Ball Garland (around diaper pail): LittleDovie

Initial (P) Felt Banner: LittleDovie

Gold Dot and Mint Elephant Pillow: BakerBaby on Etsy

Shabby Chic Mason Jars (set of three, on dresser): PrettySimpleJars on Etsy

Mint Glitter Mason Jar (on 3 drawer organizer): PrettySimpleJars

Families are Forever Watercolor Peach Temple canvas print: WillowLanePrints on Etsy

Gold and Aqua Love print: PaperDainty on Etsy

Coral and Mint Minimalist Abstract gradient print: JettyPrintables on Etsy

Peach and Mint Minimalist Abstract gradient print: JettyPrintables

Butterfly Watercolor You are Free to Fly print: TheWildRaccoonPrints on Etsy

You are Loved print: ZoomBooneCreations on Etsy

Wild & Free print: ZoomBooneCreations

Starburst Dream Catcher: MissRubyLocks on Instagram

Whimsical Frames with pictures: Poppy Tree Frames

Bedding (Gold Interlock Pillow Sham, Duvet Cover, and Crib Skirt): Caden Lane

Phoebe Rug in Ivory: Joss & Main

Pictures: Camera Shy

Home Diffuser: Young Living

Remaining Items: See above #5

For Those of Us that Struggle in our Families

For the majority of my life I have felt increasingly insecure about how broken and imperfect my family situation seemed. Then, I would feel guilty for even feeling that way because I knew so many had it so much worse than I did. My only rationale was that I somehow deserved the brokenness around me. I became depressed with the fear that I had been given less than ideal family situations because I deserved them. I felt that I must be unworthy and unlovable - a hopeless case.

I realize that we all struggle in our families because families were given to us to teach us how to become more like our Savior. And sometimes that growing is very difficult and our families bear the brunt of our growing pains. But the abuse and dishonesty and an inability to communicate effectively that I have experienced both in the family I was born into and the one I have created for myself left me feeling like I was a failure in what mattered most in life - healthy relationships. I was angry, depressed, and stuck in my pain for a long time. Sometimes, I still am.

Thankfully, I have had plenty of loving family support, ecclesiastical leaders, therapists, and a loving Savior who have guided me through that minefield of pain and self doubt. I would like to share some very illustrative stories that completely changed my perspective on what it means to suffer in our families. Ideally, families are a place of love and refuge from the storm. But because we are all human and growing, sometimes they are the storm. Sometimes we are the storm. Living in an abusive or less than ideal family situation does not mean  we brought it upon ourselves. It took me a very long time to realize that and even longer to actually believe it. These inspired accounts given by a therapist and Stake President made all the difference for me:

*Note: By and large, I have not experienced anything near the severity of these trials. But I have felt what it is to be abused emotionally and verbally, manipulated, my marriage slipping out from under me, deep anxiety for the future, unfair judgment, and plenty of pain. If you are in an abusive situation, please seek help from professionals and the Spirit. To some degree, I related best with these particular accounts.

"The first one was a case of a sister whom I'd known for years and who, in my judgment, had made some very poor life choices. She had married a handsome, charming young man who initially wasn't a member of the Church but joined the Church for her. She waited a year to marry him and then went to the temple. It was the last time he ever went to the temple. I knew he was a flake from the beginning. ...

There was great pain for this woman. A good, good woman, she kept in the Church; she kept in the kingdom; she suffered enormous pain because her husband went back to gambling and drinking and other things that were unhappy and unwholesome. But, the greater pain came when her children, having these two models before them, began to follow him. ...

As she asked me for a blessing to sustain her in what to do with this awful situation in which she found herself, my thoughts were, 'Didn't you ask for this? You married a guy who really didn't have any depth to him and raised your kids too permissively. ... ' I had all those judgments in my head. I laid my hands on her head, and the Lord told her of His love and His tender concern for her. He acknowledged that He had given her (and that she had volunteered for) a far, far harder task than He would like. (And, as He put in my mind, a harder task than I had had. ... ) She, however, had signed up for hard children, for children who had rebellious spirits but who were valuable; for a hard husband who had a rebellious spirit but who was valuable. ...

I repented. I realized I was in the presence of one of the Lord's great noble spirits, who had chosen not a safe place behind the lines pushing out the ordinance to the people in the front lines as I was doing, but somebody who chose to live out in the trenches where the Lord's work was being done, where there was risk, where you could be hurt, where you could lose, where you could be destroyed by your love. That's the way she had chosen to labor. ...

In a blessing the Lord said to her, 'When you're in my employ, the wages are from me, not from those you serve.'"

That last line changed my whole perspective about my life's purpose. I realized that I had been expecting the ideal from my family members if I chose to be patient and forgiving. I expected them to at least try just as much as I thought I was. I had been hoping and praying for things that were out of my control. I had chosen a path that traveled through the trenches. But that did not make me any less worthy of love and eternal happiness. It simply meant that I might have to accept that I would be rewarded by the Lord and not necessarily in the way I envisioned. I could change my expectations for both myself and my family members. I could love them simply because I love the Lord and I know He loves us perfectly. I knew that even if I felt as if I could not trust anyone, I could always trust Him. I was able to lay my burdens and broken dreams at His feet and let Him lead me.

"In the second case I had a woman who came to me who was an incest victim - the victim of a terrible family. ... The daughter had been abused in about every way there was to be abused - psychologically, physically, sexually. ...

She had recurring bouts of depression and very negative feelings about herself because she had been taught by the people most important in her early life what a rotten person she was. It was hard for her to overcome that self-image.  ... One day she said to me, 'You're a stake president; you explain to me the justice of it.' She said, 'I go to church, and I can hardly stand it. When I see little girls being hugged and kissed and taken to church and appropriately loved by their fathers and mothers, I just have to get up and leave. I say, Heavenly Father, what was so terrible about me that, when I was that age, I didn't get any of that? What did that little girl do in the premortal existence that I didn't so she is loved, so she is safe? ... What did I do? Can you tell me that God is just if He sends that little girl to that family and me to my family?' ...

I would not have known how to answer her in my own capacity because that is manifestly unjust. Where here or in eternity is the justice in an innocent child's suffering in that way? But the Lord inspired me to tell her, and I believe with all my heart that it applies to many in the kingdom, that she was a valiant Christlike spirit who volunteered (with, I told her, perhaps too much spiritual pride) to come to earth and suffer innocently to purify a lineage. She volunteered to absorb the poisoning of sin, anger, anguish, and violence, to take it into herself and not to pass it on; to purify a lineage so that downstream from her it ran pure and clean, full of love and the Spirit of the Lord and self-worth. I believed truly that her calling was to be a savior on Mount Zion: that is, to be Savior like, like the Savior to suffer innocently that others might not suffer" (The Uses of Adversity, Carlfred Broderick).

This final passage had me sobbing with understanding. From the time I was very young, I promised myself that I would shield my own and whatever children I could from unnecessary suffering and abuse. I was grateful that I was the oldest and also that I was at the least the third generation in a lineage of anger, pain, and abuse that was slowly but surely being healed by the Savior. I was able to spare my siblings from the worst and my own children hopefully completely, but I myself was spared the worst of the abuse by my noble predecessors who had absorbed even more and passed less of it on.

It also caused me to reflect on whether or not I was living up to this noble calling - to absorb the abuse and pain and not pass it on, not even to those who had caused the pain. I realized that with the Savior's healing and help, I could let go of the pain. I no longer had to internalize it with self doubt and self inflicted punishment, telling myself I must have deserved it. And once I was able to let go of that enormous weight - that fear and pain that had been with me almost as long as I could remember - I was able to forgive. I was able to see those who had hurt me as fellow imperfect children of God. They were only people who had volunteered for even more difficult tasks than I had and had suffered greatly in their own way to bring about something better.

With this understanding - the knowledge that I did not and could never deserve abuse from anyone in my life - I was able to replace my fear and self-doubt with the confidence that my Heavenly Father loves me infinitely, so much so, that he sent a Savior (the most innocent and undeserving of abuse) to suffer all for us so that we would not have to. And when we do suffer, we need never do it alone. I regained the confidence I so desperately needed to stand up for myself, and with that, the ability to forgive and leave the past behind.

I know that our Heavenly Father has a perfect plan that begins and ends with love. This world is unjust and unfair, but all will be made right in the end. All He asks of us is to have faith and hand it over to Him. And I am here to tell you that it is possible and so worth it.

Our Personal Pioneer Trek

A year today our lives fell apart and with that crisis of family and faith our own personal pioneer trek began. I always thought it both ironic and appropriate that at midnight, the beginning of Pioneer Day, the most difficult and refining journey of my life would begin with the police delivering the traumatic news that my husband had been arrested.

For the majority of his life, Matt had been struggling in silence with autism and an addiction that fed into each other. How so? Well, interestingly enough, the very same emotional and control areas of the brain that are physically smaller in an autistic person, are similarly impacted and desensitized by addiction. Autistic people are prone to obsessions that completely overtake them - this can be both a strength and a weakness. On the one hand, it can help them to become brilliant experts in what they are interested in. For example, Matt is incredibly knowledgeable when it comes to building and computers - two of his main obsessions - and these have often proven to be very valuable life skills. He has the ability to simply see the picture in his head of what needs to be built. On the other hand, when an autistic person becomes obsessed with something chemically addictive and emotionally destructive like pornography - they seem to spiral much deeper and faster into it because their brains are already predisposed to addictive behavior and thinking patterns such as ignoring people, emotions, and important social interactions around them in favor of an obsession. Most people have an inherent ability and desire to empathize with others and pick up on social cues and rules. But these skills often have to be more clearly taught to an autistic person and when they receive no therapy or intervention, and they have developed an addiction, they are at severe risk of potential criminal behavior. Thankfully, with therapy, and clearer instruction, they most often make wonderful recoveries and function normally in society.

One of my favorite TV shows was Parenthood, before I even knew that Matt was autistic. It really does an excellent job of portraying autism, both in a mid-range autistic child as he grows up, and later in a more mildly but distinctly autistic adult. Both of them struggle with understanding and relating to the emotions of others and social expectations. One of the best examples was when the child, Max, had his first crush. He naturally became obsessed with the girl. This loyalty and tenaciousness might be viewed as romantic and endearing were the attention desired, but it was not, and he could not comprehend that. He had very logically and methodically read books about how to have a relationship and asked his parents, but the emotion and social expectations were difficult for him to fully grasp. His parents tried to explain it to him with a numerical system of attraction: that even if he likes a girl at a 5 on a scale of 1-5, she may only like him at a 2, but it can be fluid. He did everything in his power to change her attraction to him, but she said she simply didn't "feel" the same and was starting to feel really embarrassed and threatened by his pursuit. He could not understand that so it made him angry and only want to try harder. Finally, he just started yelling about the number scale and how "it didn't make sense" (logical sense) and even grabbed her. At that point, his parents took him aside and explained to him the social and emotional boundaries in regards to dating very clearly. Once he understood those better, he apologized beautifully and sincerely to the girl and left her alone.

What I have learned is that most autistic people sincerely want to comply with emotional and social boundaries once they understand them. Emotionally and socially, autistic people are often far below their actual age but intellectually far above (something addiction will never provide). From what I've seen, because autistic people are so focused, genuine, and intelligent, with the proper therapy they are able to improve their interactions and behaviors immensely and live full, beautiful lives.

It was months after Matt's initial arrest though that we found out about his autism through a therapist who administered a barrage of tests. He then went to an autism center to be tested and has had it confirmed by two specialists. But before I realized what he struggled with, it was very hard for me to be understanding about why he was so emotionally disconnected and addicted for much of our marriage. Another contributing factor was the fact that he had sought help before meeting me from an addiction recovery center that was corrupt - they pressured him into taking antidepressant medication that he did not want and often has the opposite affect on autistic people. They were eventually shut down and their licenses revoked for the abuse of their clients. After such an experience and fearing I would leave him, it's no wonder he did not ask for help. But now, with the strictest of boundaries, intensive therapy, 12 step, full disclosure, ecclesiastical support, scripture study, prayer, and miracles he has been clean for a year.

A year ago I was in so much pain I could barely see past an hour. I could not have done it without the angels, both seen and unseen, who sustained me through that time. I would like to share what I wrote and learned in that refiner's fire about adversity:

We often hear that we will never be tested beyond our capacity to bear. But I believe that is only true IF we learn to rely on the enabling power of the Atonement. In order to become like God it is actually critical that we be tested beyond our capacity so that we learn to turn to Him and humbly accept our Savior’s grace made possible through His Atonement. On “grace” the Bible Dictionary states: 

“It is ... through the grace of the Lord that individuals, through faith in the atonement of Jesus Christ and repentance of their sins, receive strength and assistance to do good works that they otherwise would not be able to maintain if left to their own means. This grace is an enabling power ... ”

    From what I have read in the scriptures it appears that the Lord allows even His most faithful servants to be tested beyond their own capacity. Abraham poised at the altar with his only son, Job broken and alone in his desolation, Nephi whose life was repeatedly threatened by those who should have loved and protected him, Joseph Smith tortured, shunned, cast out, imprisoned and killed, the faithful Saints of the Willie and Martin handcart company freezing and starving to death on the plains would surely testify of the enabling power of the Atonement and its infinite capacity to consecrate our afflictions for our gain. 

     “Years later, in a Sunday School class, criticism was directed at those who had allowed the (Martine and Willie) handcart company to leave so late. A survivor stood and reprimanded them, saying:
    I have pulled my handcart when I was so weak and weary from illness and lack of food that I could hardly put one foot ahead of the other. I have looked ahead and seen a patch of sand or hill slope and I have said, I can go only that far and there I must give up, for I cannot pull the load through it.
    I have gone on to that sand and when I reached it, the cart began pushing me. I have looked back many times to see who was pushing my cart, but my eyes saw no one. I knew then that the angels of God were there.
    Was I sorry that I chose to come by handcart? No. Neither then or any minute of my life since. The price we paid to become acquainted with God was a privilege to pay, and I am thankful that I was privileged to come in the Martin Handcart Company.” (He Restoreth My Soul, Hilton 162).

    I know there are no limitations to the Atonement. I know that if we take up our cross and follow the Savior, He will help us carry the load, for we cannot do it on our own. I know that when God brings us to trials He will bring us through them if we choose to rely on Him. And we will look back and know that He is God because He carried us when no one else could.

Matt and I still struggle day to day. He is still autistic; some days that makes me love him all the more and on others I just cry. I am still prone to fear, self doubt, and an insecure attachment style so loving me surely is not easy either. And on top of that, some of the fallout from this crisis has been utterly heartbreaking. But we are happier, healthier, and stronger than we ever were before, both individually and as a family. I look back and can hardly believe how far we have come. We certainly chose or were given a more difficult path, and it's not one we would recommend for others. But for us, it has taught us exactly what we needed to learn. There is no better way to describe our experience than to say "The price we paid to become acquainted with God was a privilege to pay."

The Family is of God

The primary purpose of families is to lift each other. The Family: A Proclamation to the World makes this clear and lays out how that should be done. Surely, God ordained marriage to be between a man and a woman because "the nature of male and female spirits is such that they complete each other" (We'll Ascend Together). Corinthians explains, "Nevertheless neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord.  For as the woman is of the man, even so is the man also by the woman; but all things of God" (1 Corinthians 11:11-12). Men and women need each other in order to be exalted. It is rather disheartening and alarming that much of our society has chosen to reject or ignore this eternal truth.

But no individual or family here on this Earth is perfect. I wonder if when we read about the divine nature of families and family responsibilities in The Proclamation, if we are looking judgmentally outward rather than humbly inward.

"The family is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity. Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities. By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners" (The Family: A Proclamation to the World).

I believe no family can truly thrive or continue in the next life if not based upon these sacred, eternal principles. A marriage between a man and a woman in the temple does not automatically create an eternal family. It is only in living by these sacred principles of faith in our Savior Jesus Christ, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work and wholesome recreation that a marriage can be sealed by the Holy Spirit of Promise and be perpetuated beyond the grave. And I think we ALL fall short of living this way in our families from day to day. A marriage that has not been sanctified and given to God has no real power in this life or the next, for it is by Him that marriage and families were ordained.

When I have so much to improve day to day in my own marriage, it can be much easier and briefly satisfying to criticize others who appear to be doing worse in their families than I am. It is all too tempting to try to lift ourselves up by putting others down. But this is not and has never been the Lord's way. The only way to be lifted ourselves is to lift those around us. This does not mean that we condone sin at all, but that we choose to see the good in others and their lives rather than what might be lacking.

The place to begin and focus on defending the family is not necessarily in the political or social sphere, but in our very own homes. Political and social activism are surely necessary, but the only family whose eternal success we are responsible for is our own. I have and will continue to support measures that protect the traditional family because I believe that is the only healthy way to build a society. But I can not allow myself to be so distracted by identifying the natural man in others that I forget to see it in myself. Only the Savior can know the individual struggle we all labor under. I want only Him as my judge in this life and at the last day. How can I claim to "love my neighbor as myself" if I do not allow them the same opportunity? Love unfeigned, courageous example, and testimony is what will soften hearts and improve our society.

We are ALL children of a Heavenly Father who loves us and wants us to return to Him. How I treat my fellow spiritual brothers and sisters on this Earth can either demonstrate or deny my love for Him. I hope to continue to improve myself and my own family first while lifting those around me.

How We Made it to our 3rd Anniversary

I know it may not seem like much - making it to your 3rd anniversary. But for us, it is a miracle and one that we will never take for granted. This past year has been the absolute hardest of our lives and we did not know if we, let alone our marriage, would survive it. But you know what? It has also been one of the best. Our marriage was never harder and yet never better than it has been this past year. How is that even possible?

It is because He lives. It is because our Savior lives and loves us no matter what. We have had to turn to Him and hand our marriage over to Him to survive. And that is how it is better than it has ever been. This past year has shattered and then remade us anew.

The situation is still too sensitive for me to go into details about it. But I could not let this day pass without writing about the resources that we have had to cling to in order turn our hearts and our marriage to the Savior. About a year ago a crisis took place that made me feel as if I had no choice but to leave my husband. But because of angels, miracles, inspired ecclesiastical leaders, therapy, our Savior, and these amazing resources we are still together and still a relatively happy family today. The gratitude I feel for this miracle is overwhelming and indescribable. I can only pray that our story of hope, healing, forgiveness, brokenness, weakness, and miracles can give others hope.

1. The Book of Mormon - this spectacular, life changing testament of Christ has changed our hearts and family in a way I can barely begin to describe. About a year ago, Matt found himself in jail facing very serious charges and a very grim future. When he began to come to himself he turned to prayer. Much of his life he had been losing faith in and getting angry with God because He would not heal him of the addiction that made him hate himself and distanced him from all those he loved. But he needed help and he was humble so he turned to prayer. He pleaded only that he would be able to find a Book of Mormon. He did and he was surprised because it didn't have the sticker of stamp of the jail that most of the other books there had. It was just sitting apart and it saved him. He began to read it and continued to do so when he was released from jail. It took him just a few short months to finish and then he began to read it again. When Aria and I rejoined him we began to read it as a family. It has changed our hearts and our family and our lives.

2. The Spouse and Family Support Guide - I will always remember how I found this invaluable resource. In much the same way Matt found The Book of Mormon, I stumbled across it in a time of great need in a miraculous way. I was sitting on the couch crying and praying, which was all I had been doing since the police gave me the news. I was in so much pain and confusion that I honestly did not know how I would survive it. I was still going through the motions but only because there were quite literally angels all around me bearing me up and I had been promised in a priesthood blessing that Heavenly would be with me every single step of the way. I pulled up lds.org on my computer and there on the front page was a picture and a link to the Spouse and Family Support Guide for those with loved ones ensnared in addiction. I was drowning and it was my life raft:

"Spouses and family members may labor under the heavy emotional burdens of worry, hurt, and hopelessness caused by the addictions of their loved ones. The Addiction Recovery Program supports spouses and family members as they seek the Savior’s help to carry their burdens and receive His promise: “My peace I give unto you. … Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid” (John 14:27). The Lord’s plan is to rescue and heal each of us as we yield our hearts to Him (see Helaman 3:35). Just as those who are addicted need the Atonement of Jesus Christ in order to find freedom from the bondage of addiction, spouses and family members also need His healing power to be free from the bondage of despair."

I read and studied each of the 12 principles as well as the talks and scriptures they linked to. It began to heal me. I had some of the strongest spiritual experience of my life while reading these, especially the talks, that gave me the strength and hope I needed to stay in my marriage. I also attended the spouse and family support meetings.

 
3. He Restoreth My Soul - I often attribute this book to truly turning us to the Savior and giving us the understanding about addiction and overcoming it that saved our marriage. I simply did not understand how an addiction works or what it feels like before reading this book. And Matt did not understand how to describe it to me. This book provides the most insightful and inspired support for both the person caught in addiction and the grieving family members. It is all about "understanding and breaking the chemical and spiritual chains of pornography addiction through the Atonement of Jesus Christ." Matt and I read this book together in the three months that we were separated. Each night we would call each other and discuss what we read, how we felt, and more. Those were some of the most harrowing, painful, broken, and yet beautiful, priceless, and cleansing conversations we have ever had.

4. The Addiction Recovery Program - During the initial two weeks he spent in jail, Matt heard another inmate talking about how the LDS Addiction Recovery Program helped him. It was unfortunately the first time Matt had ever heard about the Church's addiction recovery program. He had spoken with at least one bishop and maybe more about his problem. He had even attended an addiction recovery facility that was unfortunately corrupt and shut down for the abuse and excessive medication of their clients. This of course did much more harm than good and convinced him that he needed to handle it on his own. In the time that we were dating and preparing to go to the temple together Matt got as clean as he ever could on his own by working with his bishop and even locking his computer away for a time. But this was "white knuckle sobriety" as He Restoreth My Soul calls it. It is what many do to prepare for the temple, to serve a mission, or get married. It almost never lasts though because addiction is a disease and needs serious, in depth, lifelong treatment. It is much like cancer. Someone who is in denial about having cancer may feel and even do better for a time, but it will continue to grow and corrupt in secret until their life becomes unmanageable. When they hit that point, where recovery is absolutely necessary, they will often seek real help or be consumed by it.

True recovery often requires the 12 steps, complete honesty and humility, therapy, healthy boundaries often set with a therapist, ecclesiastical support and confession, and group meetings. The LDS recovery program includes the 12 steps and meetings and even offers therapy through LDS Family Services. There are meetings for the addicted, for the family, and even couple meetings. These steps and these meetings are difficult but uplifting and healing. They are changing our lives day by day.

5. Healing Through Christ - Help, Hope and Healing for those who have a loved one in addiction - this resource was given to me at my first family group meeting. It is actually a modified 12 steps for family members of the addicted. I remember being shocked and put off when I realized that it was a 12 steps for me because I certainly was not the problem. Here's what I slowly but surely learned - I am the only problem I can truly turn over to the Savior. My own is the only heart I can humbly offer Him and these 12 steps allow me to turn my heart to Him. I have been to enough family support 12 step meetings now to recognize a significant pattern - those who focus their emotional, mental, and spiritual energy only on their loved one's recovery are no more healthy or happy even if their loved one recovers. And those who turn their hearts to the Savior and work diligently on their own recovery and personal path to healing are often happy and healthy even if their loved one continues in addiction.

It was the depth and pain of my anger that finally humbled me enough to work the 12 steps for myself. In a meeting I have heard them called "The Dummy's Guide to the Atonement" and don't we all need that at some point in our lives? It fosters a deeper understanding of the gospel and what we are here to learn. Every time I turn to it I find peace and healing. When I neglect it, I feel more confused, anxious, depressed, and hopeless. It is the boat that the life raft brought me to.

I just want to bear my testimony that because He Lives there is always hope. He is invested in our marriages, our families, and our lives. He wants us to succeed. If we will but seek Him and let Him in he will help clean the mess that we can not. For so long, I was afraid to really let him in because I was so ashamed of the mess my life was. But I could not fix it without Him. And when I finally let Him in, He did not condemn or judge me. He simply began to clean and strengthened me to be better. All I felt was love. Matt felt the same. Even when he finally came to a fuller realization of the consequences and seriousness of it all. Even in the midst of feeling reprimanded and corrected by God it did not feel like shame or condemnation. Rather, it felt like love. The love God had for him superseded any other emotion. When God corrects us He does it with love because He understands and loves us perfectly. And it is His love that motivates and inspires us to change. We know this to be true.

If you or a loved one are struggling with a similar situation we invite you to study and utilize the resources above. We also welcome you to email us at rach.dorian@gmail.com any time and we will do what we can to help. We know our Savior lives and loves us and that is how we are here and smiling today.

How to Sustain Love in Every Stage of Life

I remember learning in my BYU Marriage Preparation class that the Law of Chastity is NOT a race to the finish line of marriage. I did not understand then what they were trying to teach me because in the hormonal mind of a teenager or young adult it certainly feels like a race. It took me a couple years of marriage and difficult trials in my marriage to even begin to comprehend that living the Law of Chastity is a way of life and love that applies to every stage of a person's life. It is so much more than a restriction of sex before marriage.

It is about learning to live in Christlike love, rather than selfish lust. And that is a lesson that even married couples must continue to learn again and again. In fact, I would postulate that marriage requires an even greater amount of self control and bridling of passions than any other stage of life. To restrain ourselves from unhealthy obsession over our passions even when they are technically allowed their full expression requires an even greater selflessness, control, and consideration of another person's feelings and desires. And when children come along the ability to sacrifice selfish desires and bridle passions must become even more honed to ensure the success of the family.

The problem with seeing the Law of Chastity as a race to finish or a fence holding us back is that is does not foster healthy and whole sexuality within marriage. This flawed concept of chastity leads to fear and reservation - that something so carefully preserved will become broken, dirty, or lost. But when that gift is selflessly shared with a partner to whom you are married and have committed yourself to in love it can only bless and strengthen. It is only when it is used as a tool for selfish gratification, rather than a way to grow in Christlike love together, that the spiritual, emotional, and physical aspects of the relationship and individuals begin to erode. This can happen both within and outside of marriage. Hence, the inspired admonishment from Alma: "See that ye bridle all your passions, that ye may be filled with love" (Alma 38:12).  

I did not finally begin to grasp this crucial concept until I read this inspired counsel in one of my favorite books in a time of marital crisis: "Even for the married there is a time and place to think about sexuality and a time not to think about it. Ancient words of wisdom say, 'To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven ... a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing' [Ecclesiastes 3:1, 5]" (He Restoreth My Soul, 136). I'm embarrassed to admit that it was like a light bulb went off in my mind as I realized that too much of my marriage had been focused on the physical, and the spiritual and emotional had been allowed to suffer as a result. This realization allowed me to set healthy boundaries and healthy habits that would reserve sexuality for an appropriate time and place and foster the emotional and spiritual in both myself and our marriage.

When we learned to put God first in our marriage, every area of our relationship - emotional, spiritual, and physical - grew more than we had ever thought possible. To try to go through this process of growing in these three key areas without a willing, cooperative spouse is in fact possible but very difficult. When a spouse is unresponsive, mired in addiction, suffering from mental or physical illness, or absent I believe that the Savior will make up the difference if we faithfully come to Him as humble, willing individuals. Even one person or spouse drawing nearer to God by setting healthy boundaries and habits will strengthen that person and thereby their marriage. In Young Women's I learned that eternal marriage is not merely a union between two people, but a triangle between God, a man, and a woman. Even if only two are invested it can still grow and be saved. My goal in my marriage is to stay in it so long as God is still in it with me because I covenanted with Him, not just my husband.

Nothing but good can come by drawing closer to the Spirit and I know that even in times of crisis it can work miracles within and around us. But the way to be worthy of the Spirit is to bridle all our passions. When we are worthy of the Spirit we will be filled with the love of God for ourselves and others - a love that I have never known an equal too. It is a love that fills me with complete peace, hope, happiness, and a desire to share it. To bridle my passions seems such a small token of sacrifice to feel that supernal love and usher it into my relationships for eternity.

The Least of These

I was reading President Eyring's talk "Is Not This the Fast That I Have Chosen?" today when this verse from Matthew jumped out to me. I have often felt like I fall short in the area of giving service. I don't volunteer or help a lot of people in a day because I have hard time getting outside of my shell. I want to, but I have just never known how to make the time and have the courage. But the Savior does not require that we serve constantly or that we serve everyone. Instead, He asks that we start by fasting, giving a generous fast offering, serving faithfully in our callings, visiting teaching, and serving those in our own families. These are much more manageable goals that that I feel are within my grasp.

It does not matter how many I serve, but how willingly and humbly I serve those within my scope. What matters is my heart. Serving "even the the least of these" is all that is needed to soften my heart to make it more like my Savior's. Cooking, cleaning, changing diapers, reading that one book again and again and again. Even if that is all I accomplish in a day (and most days it is) I have served and I am consecrating myself to Him. He did not say "Inasmuch as ye have been Mother Teresa" but "Inasmuch as ye have done it unto ONE of the least of these..." To me, this signifies anyone, but not necessarily everyone. I believe He sees our hearts, not a checklist or report.

When I was in school full-time I gave what I would call a "college student's fast offering." It was meager but all I could give and I'm glad I did. I always had employment and my needs met. Then this past year a trial descended that changed my life forever. For the first time, I was in dire need. Generous family provided for my physical needs, but what I really needed was therapy and we could not afford it. The Bishop took care of it and I assume it came from the ward's fast offering fund. That opportunity to get therapy was life saving and changed me forever. After that experience when I was in a position to give again, I gave far more generously than I had before no longer out of a sense of duty and desire for blessing but in the hopes that other lives and hearts would be healed as mine had. As President Eyring promised:

Your fast offering
will do more
than help feed and clothe bodies.
It will
heal and change
hearts.

Serving is about so much more than filling a need or dutifully and habitually checking a box. It can often start as a duty or checked box and then blossom into healing for both our own hearts and those we touch. I still have so much learning and growth to do in this area. But every time I am tempted to feel insufficient I remember that I give a generous fast offering with righteous intentions, I serve my child and family every day, all day, and I try to love those around me.